Washing the Dog

Do you ever notice things have changed through some task that you do repeatedly?

I had this experience on the weekend. It is part of my household role description to wash the dog. We've got a West Highland Terrier named Sno-Joe (my daughter wanted to call him Snowy and my son wanted to call him Joseph!) He is approaching ten years old. Still pretty fit and well but definitely getting older. So the first thing noticed with this regular task is that Sno-Joe didn't flinch when I asked him if he wanted a bath. The words 'bath' or 'wash' tend to see him get up and find a hiding spot. It is terrible teasing but we always get a laugh from our dog's antics - please don't tell me that dogs aren't intelligent creatures.

So, Sno-Joe was up for a bath. He walked towards me and seemed to be saying... "Yeah, I am a bit pongy. I'll take the wash!" (Yes I know I'm anthropomorphising him - but I challenge you to convince me that dogs are not people.) The big thing I've noticed over the last few washes is that when I tell him he is good to jump out of the bath, he is now really struggling to get out. As a sprightlier hound, he always cleared the bath-tub edge on the first attempt. Now it takes him quite a few goes. There will be a point in the not too distant future where I will have to lift him out. But my heart is saying 'not just yet'.

The thing for me with this is that my kids have grown up from being real little people as Sno-Joe has gone from being a puppy, to a dog in his prime to the beginnings of an 'old man'. I want our dog to keep being fit and independent... but with my kids, I want time to put the brakes on their independence just for a little while yet. I want my kids to hold back on growing up. My daughter is seventeen, my son fourteen and every week, there are signs that those little people are disappearing. My daughter had a friend over last week and got out some old school photos - her first year in primary school... just eleven years ago. Then she found another class photo of her in Grade Two - the year we brought Sno-Joe home as a puppy. How quickly does the time go?

The rhythm of household routines and everyday rituals that we practice can pique moments in time and enliven the memory. I am proud of how my kids are growing up but part of my 'dad-DNA' worries for them just like I'm sure my mum and dad felt for me. Repeated activities have a meditative dimension that invite our attentiveness. I notice these feelings attached to the shifts in time as tiny bits of grief that have their melancholy, their bitter-sweet edge but there's stacks of love too, in the mix of all this. That attentiveness maybe helps us to invest small pieces of extra trust in our kids as they make their journey towards young adulthood.

I guess that the challenge is to enjoy every moment. It is 9.46am in the morning here in Melbourne - my teenagers are still fast asleep (on school holidays). Who knows what time they will wake up? They need their sleep... but old man Sno-Joe is up and sitting at my feet as I write. Time to sieze the day and take him for a walk. It is certain that he will he will be deleriously happy about this simple invitation. It is great having an appreciative dog when you have teenagers in the house!

What are the everyday tasks and rituals that give you a subtle measure of the steady movement of time? Feel free to write your answers below. Also - have a guess at what time you think my kids will wake up today! I'll let you know in the space below!

Thanks for taking the Time & Space to read this.

Bill Jennings
http://www.time-space.com.au

Making Good Decisions

Murray described what was in his hand as something that, at first viewing, is a fairly unremarkable collection of metal. At a Time & Space expedition, we bring along, and share treasures around the campfire. People bring a tangible item that they value and share the stories that are attached to that object. It doesn't have to be something of significant monetary value - just something that is valuable to the story teller.

In one of the sessions leading up to the camp, each participant shares their own story. Who have been the influences for good or bad in your life? What are the big events and experiences that have shaped who you are? Murray looked back on a life that had had a lot of twists and turns along the journey. I've been privileged to have heard many people in this mode (telling their story to a small group) over the years. It is a privilege because everyone has a unique story, everyone is different and it is precious to hear because people are giving themselves the time and space to take stock of their life to that point. Quite often, the person is telling their story in this way, for the first time. This was the case with Murray and he was a having a real crack, digging down to the things, the people, the events that had shaped him. A lot of stuff had happened in Murray's life and a lot had happened recently. That's all I can say... we respect the confidentiality of the small group.

Murray was happy for the story of the handful of metal to be told. Pretty simple connection he made but simplicity can be poignant and it was, in this instance. Murray was holding in his hand, his dog tags. He had experienced active service as a peace keeper in the Australian Army.

As Murray held the dog tags he said, "these represent a time when I made a good decision. I could have gone off the rails as a young bloke and joining the army gave me stability." Then the wisdom emerged... Murray shared that, "whenever I have to make a big decision I get my dog tags out... I sit with them in my hand and say to myself, 'I made a good one then, what's the right one now?'"

What helps you to make a good decision? Feel free to write your thoughts below.

Thanks for taking the Time & Space to read this.

Bill Jennings
http:www.time-space.com.au

A Piece of Teenage Wisdom

A colleague, Michael Grose, tweeted a question to prepare for a presentation he is doing this week.

"Why do teenagers binge drink? What's the motivation?"

It got me thinking and, as I live in a household with two teenagers, I posed the question to my daughter this morning. Always best to ask these questions in the car. She drives to school most days, racking up her hours in the Learner Driver log book, 10 minutes at a time. So I pose the question... she fires back a brilliant straight answer... well actually, it was a return question.

"Why do adults binge drink?"

I think in her return question, there lies an answer. What do you think? Feel free to write your thoughts below.

Thanks for taking the Time & Space to read this.

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The 'Tim-Tam' Journey

If you are reading this outside of Australia, how do I explain Tim-Tams to you? Have you ever met an Aussie travelling in your country? We are prone to more than a little home sickness. This usually applies most acutely to the foods we can't get easily overseas. Perhaps the traditional foodstuff that is missed the most, and gets the most attention, is the famous 'Vegemite'. Nothing like the taste of that distinctive bitter, black yeast extract on toast, melting in with the butter. However Vegemite does have a younger sibling that can spark tears of home-sickness in even the most unemotional travelling Aussie. The Tim Tam.

The Tim Tam is a beautiful combination of biscuit, chocolate cream centre with another outer layer of chocolate. It is delicious on its own but combined with a hot beverage or a glass of port, it takes on even greater powers. By biting opposite diagonal corners off the biscuit, it becomes a drinking straw... dip one corner into the cup of coffee, suck the coffee from the other corner through the biscuit and as soon as the liquid hits your tongue, pop the whole Tim Tam in... it melts in your mouth. This ritual, called 'shot gunning', has been taken to every corner of the planet. If an Aussie has shot-gunned fermented goat's milk with you in a yurt somewhere in outer Mongolia, with their rationed supply of Tim Tams, then you are considered to be an OK person!

Alright, have I sufficiently built the premise on just how sacred the Tim Tam is to the Australian people?... my point is?

If you recall, the last blog post promised a 'Part 2' to the wonderful experience of sharing a recent Time & Space canoeing weekend with Simonds College. Some Vietnamese families participated, one of the Vietnamese boys is called Tim and his dad's name is... you guessed it, Tam!

Around the campfire we had so much fun, laughing and enjoying some friendly cultural rivalry. Tim and Tam were the only father and son team not to capsize into the Yarra River that weekend. So to us, ‘Tim Tams’ were now, not only Australia’s greatest biscuit… our ‘Tim-Tam’ canoeing pair were the undisputed champions on the water. Michael, the other Vietnamese dad, raised his arms triumphantly, declaring, "We are the boat people!" Laughter... great Australian humour with its special brand of irony, is delivered perfectly. The irony of course is that ‘boat people’ is a term in Australia that evokes images of fear and mistrust. Yet Michael turned that mistrust into a moment where all around that campfire, shared delight in his quick wit.

Tam’s brother-in-law was a ‘boat person’, a refugee. He made a risky journey in a leaky boat from Vietnam to Australia. He sponsored his sister, Tam’s bride then of one year, to come to his new country. Tam had to wait five years until he could rejoin his young wife. Imagine that? What's important is that Tam and Tim got an opportunity to share significant parts of their own stories with each other. Some special things happened at this camp. Dominic, one of the other dads of Italian background is a mad follower of the AFL team Collingwood. He taught Tam how to kick an Aussie Rules footy. Tam skews a kick off the outside of his boot and laughs and claps. It is just a beautiful moment.

Tam explained to me that he took up the weekend as, "an opportunity to learn another way to be close to (his son)... another way of communication." In Vietnam, communication is often one way. The older generation give instructions and the children respectfully listen. Extended families live close together. Uncles, aunties, grandparents pitch in, collectively parenting, if mum or dad are busy. This is how it happened here in Australia with Tam and Tim. Tam has been busy working. Only, they didn't really have enough of that old country extended family to step in. So, Tim has felt that absence over the years but in the course of the father-son program, these two had a wonderful chance to explain each other's perspective. I watched Tim respectfully explain how he felt that absence through his childhood, not really knowing his dad as he was growing up. However, Tim also acknowledged that his dad had put his hand up to participate in the canoeing weekend with him, and he considered that a great achievement. Another beautiful moment.

So what do I learn from this story? Firstly, that when we come together with good intent, like trying to be a better parent as Tam and the other dads did on that weekend, we share more in common with each other than what makes us different. I’m in awe of the determination of Tam to learn ‘another way of communication’ with his son, having journeyed far away from his country of origin and a culture that was familiar to him. Isn’t that the challenge that leads to growth in any relationship? I am honoured too, to have witnessed Tim not shy away from the truth - he told his dad what had been tough but then affirmed him as well... masterfully, he combined kindness and courage. The boy presented himself as a young adult before his father.

Well done Tim and Tam – just like your biscuit namesake – you make our world a better place.

Thanks for taking the Time & Space to read this.

Bill Jennings

http://www.time-space.com.au/

Feeling 'New Learning'

Do you ever feel new learning? Good new learning can take us to a place that is so transformative, that we feel that new insight impacting deep within.

Your blogger felt that ‘new-ness’ around a campfire at the recent Time & Space expedition for Simonds College. Over the years, I’ve been on many of these camps and they are all great experiences. Dads or mentors being there intentionally as their boys get to be their leaders on a journey.

There is a point in time on the first night of the camp when the traditional older generation authority is officially reversed. We say, “OK, the boys are now in charge.” In the earlier sessions at the school, the ground-rules are outlined… the boys are our leaders on the expedition and when we say, “Start”, the dads can’t give any advice from that moment unless they are asked! It is always a source of amusement, in theory, prior to the rule coming in to force. Let me tell you, I have had some very focused chats over the years with some frustrated dads who wanted to break the ground-rules and give their young leaders, not just one piece of advice but every single piece of advice that had been boiling up in them over the journey!

It is tough for most dads to step back. Dads are often the boundary setters. They can see the danger ahead for their kids but, just imagine how much more perplexing this program condition is when it is completely foreign to your cultural traditions. This is where I felt the new learning with the questions that Michael and Tam put to me. Michael (whose name has been anglicised) and Tam were both born in Vietnam. Both, as young men, made their journeys to Australia from a country ravaged by war and poverty. So, when the official handing over of decision making was given to the boys, Tam and Michael followed me around that fire and were intent on understanding more!

“Bill, this is very interesting to us” says Michael, “In our culture, the father is a person of high authority.” Tam nods in agreement. They explain that if a boy wants to get a message to his father, he usually does it via the intermediary of his mother.

Tam explains, “We worry that they will go down the wrong path… so we say things like, ‘no girlfriend’, ‘no boyfriend’ to our children until they finish university.” Michael agrees.

I am feeling the new learning. I am seeing the need to clarify, come from Michael and Tam. I am seeing also, these two men bringing some new insights to themselves.

“This could be important for us. These rules for the camp could teach us something.”

The next morning, Michael sidles up and tells me that, in their two-man tent as they went off to sleep, his son shared with him that he has a girlfriend.

There is a bit more of this tale to be told in next week’s post but for now, let me tell you that at this point in the story, Michael is beaming. He let the new learning in.

Thanks for taking the Time & Space to read this.

Bill Jennings

http://www.time-space.com.au/

Smart Parenting

There are little pieces of parenting 'gold' surrounding us, all the time, I reckon.

We often hear that licenses and accreditation's are issued for nearly every task that we take on in society with the exception of being a mum or a dad. There is no official guide book, so capturing a good idea when you see one is important. Yesterday, I was catching up with Ted just briefly. Ted does the design work for things like my recent e-book and he was kindly doing a couple of revisions for an upcoming Dads and Daughters night.

I have always admired the way that Ted is 'dad' to his two boys. There are the headline moments he has crafted - a while back he created an adventure with his oldest son, who is in senior primary school now. They drove from Melbourne to Ted's home town of Perth. Ted's son was the navigator and helped with the planning - those sorts of journeys forge in the memory for nothing short of a lifetime. I recommend to all parents, planning and creating big memories for your kids.

The little things matter too and yesterday, I saw one such moment that could be useful to you if you have kids that enjoy a bit (or more than a bit) of time on a PS3, PS2, X-Box, Wii or any other game platform your kids have. We've finished that bit of work out in Ted's office in the back yard and we walk back through the house... Sunday morning, and his youngest is up, in his pyjamas and asks if he can have a go at a game on the Play Station 3.

What Ted does next is simple yet really, really smart.

"Sure, you can go on it" says Ted, "I am starting your time now."

And with that, Ted walks over to the oven, sets an hour on the timer.

Simple. Clever. Most ovens now have a timer that beeps. Ted's son knew the ground rules... he asked if he could play on the console. He knew how much time he had.

If there was an instruction manual for parenting, I'd hope that Ted's idea is in there in the 'electronic games' section.

What ideas do you have? What smart parenting have you witnessed your friends carrying out - even really simple things? Feel free to write your comments and ideas in the section below.

Thanks for taking the Time & Space to read this.

Bill Jennings

http://www.time-space.com.au/

P.S. Ted's website is http://www.clarityindesign.com.au/

Andrea - a fantastic coach

This blogger is the linesman for the Moreland City Soccer Club Under 14B's. It is not a bad way to see the game and it lets my son get on with things at his end of the ground (as he is the Goalkeeper) whilst I keep an eye on the 'off-sides' for our forwards at the other end. I get a good insight into how the opposition teams operate for one half of the game when I run along their side of the ground.

We played Gisborne last Sunday. The temperature was forecast to be only 12 Celsius in Melbourne. Subtract another three degrees for Gisborne. It is about a 30-45 minute drive outside of northern Melbourne. We had a rain shower bordering on hail during the game. For the second week in a row, the official referee didn't turn up, so Andrea, the Gisborne coach asked one of our dads to take on the task. She and some of the parents on the sidelines had a good laugh during the first half as at the height of the rain squall, Nick, our dad who volunteered, officiated with his wife's dainty red umbrella in one hand and the whistle in the other.

And they weren't the only laughs that happened out there. There was banter between the Gisborne kids and the coach. I distinctly recall a wonderful warm exchange between one player on the wing and his coach, Andrea. He was joking and smiling and just purely enjoying himself out there in the freezing cold conditions. These kids were having fun.

So at this stage of the story you'd be perfectly entitled to comment, "Yep, that's all nice Bill but they're kids having fun playing sport on the weekend. What's so special about that?"

Ah well, there is the small matter that they lost the game 10-Nil.

Have a look at the ladder for this competition. You will see that after last weekend, Gisborne have a goal difference of 'negative 81'.

I chanced a conversation between Andrea and one of her defenders who was having his turn on the sidelines. He was watching the play with her and spoke about where a couple of the other kids needed to be in the back line and where he should stand when he goes back on. Andrea came back with a couple of ideas. What stood out was the extraordinary mutual respect. The way the young player spoke to his coach and felt comfortable airing his analysis, was outstanding. Andrea's obvious calm manner and the serious way she listened to her player got me thinking that these sorts of interactions don't just happen by accident.

Later on back at home, my interest is piqued, so I have a look at their website. Gisborne has a mission statement which says that the club is on about 'providing a quality learning environment for young people.' They want to 'promote community values and provide a healthy and nurturing environment.'

The number of times the ball hits the 'back of the net' is really only one of many types of goals that can be achieved when your ultimate aim is to help and teach kids to be the best person they can be.

On that score, I reckon Gisborne are kicking a lot of goals thanks to good people like Andrea, a fantastic coach.

Thanks for taking the Time and Space to read this.

Bill Jennings

http://www.time-space.com.au/