Friday 21 March 2014

Lean on Your Tribe


Consider this... a member of your family is having a stressful time with one of their kids. They approach you and ask for some help.

What would you do?

You’ve got your answer? Good. Hold that thought. See if you can find some of your own stories in what’s to follow.

With my seventeen year-old son’s permission I can share that my wife Lisa and I have not had the easiest time guiding our youngest through his adolescent years. His challenges would all be considered what you would say are some of the things a mum, dad and teenager can encounter in this time of life.  Tough but - when all is said and done – pretty normal challenges. He’s pushed boundaries, I’ve picked the wrong fights. In a few years time we’ll probably look back and laugh at how stubborn we both have been.

There are signs that we are emerging through the other side of an, at times, ugly journey. How ugly? Do you remember how Tim Robbins’ character Andy Dufresne finally escaped from Shawshank prison?

His friend Red (the Morgan Freeman character), in that timeless narration voiceover said...

“Andy crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want to. Five hundred yards... that's the length of five football fields, just shy of half a mile.”

What do you think? Is that sewer pipe not a brilliant metaphor for parents guiding a teenager through a difficult adolescence?

We might be getting to the end of the pipe, touch wood. A few weekends ago, at 1am on a Sunday morning, I found myself sitting in my car in a suburban street performing the designated driver duties. Lisa was still awake, so she came along for the ride and made the ubiquitous phone call (we don’t knock on the door any more do we?).

A handful of young folk were starting to appear in the street.

We have a phrase for how we like to find the young bloke when he emerges from a party – in good order. This morning he was in good order. He appeared with a mate and his girlfriend. Jack asks if we can give his friends a lift back home. As we drive off, the banter starts. The young lady is very chatty and I can’t remember what I said but she remarked to Jack that he had the coolest parents ever. We had to laugh. This would not be Jack’s usual opinion (well certainly not the way he sees his dad). We’ve laughed again today – enjoying some opportunities to say to Jack that we are really happy with how he’s going at the moment... in Year 12, chipping away at the homework and balancing the social life with his biggest year at school yet.

Half way through last year we certainly felt stuck somewhere in the middle of that metaphoric pipe.

It seemed like every week we were hitting problems. Boundary crossed. Consequence. Another boundary crossed – another tougher consequence. From both sides, it felt like all we were doing was upping the ante. I started to feel bereft and said to Lisa... “Do you feel like we are running out of ideas?” Lisa agreed. There will be parents now reading this who know that feeling.

As that feeling of helplessness began to overwhelm, one idea made a welcome visit.

I remembered that Jack was pushing boundaries in a way that my youngest brother Greg had done when he was growing up. I left home just before his teenage years... travelled around the country and the world. So we came in and out of each others lives. I do remember though that he gave mum and dad a bit of heartache. Being eleven years older than Greg, I have always looked at him as my little brother. He had got married the year before and was about three weeks away from becoming a dad. I shared with Lisa the idea... to ask Greg to possibly help us with Jack – could he come and simply have a chat with him.

I called Greg, it was the weekend, could he spare some time – because of what I remember he was like as a teenager – to come and have a chat with Jack some time soon. Greg lives on the other side of town.

Do you know what happened? Greg was at our door within half an hour. He took Jack out for lunch. Yum Cha in fact (which I remarked to Lisa was a pretty mixed up consequence – but he was Greg’s project now). Greg visited the next weekend and this time was equipped with some goal setting materials he had been given in a course he had done at work. He invited Jack to work through the process with him... each of them working on their own goals but at the same time, together, so that they could encourage each other. I can’t recall how many times Jack has been lectured by yours truly about the need to have goals. Of course that message is going to be better received by Jack’s much cooler, younger uncle than the broken record messages of his old man.

We had a family birthday gathering a few weeks ago, just before Jack started his last year of high school. Greg presented him with a letter. I don’t know what was in it but Jack, as you’ve been informed has made a brilliant start to the year.

It had never occurred to me until then to ask someone for help. In fact, the realisation came that this was the first time I had asked Greg for something that in anyway credited him as being an adult. My ‘little’ brother has been an adult for at least 18 years now. In the middle of a very busy, exciting time in his life (he now has a baby son, Isaac) Greg responded to a request from his brother to help his nephew.

What did you say in answer to that question at the start of this story... if a member of your family or a close friend asked you for help, what would you say? My guess is that most of us would respond like my brother did.

Why is it that I only thought to ask Greg for help when he was what felt like the last idea left?

We live in a world where we often feel we’ve got to solve stuff ourselves. If Greg needs a chop out with Isaac in 15 years or so, I’m there. Or, maybe better still, his big cousin Jack will step in.

What’s the big take away from this story? When you are doing it tough with your teenager... indeed when you encounter any challenge raising your kids... Lean on Your Tribe.

They are waiting to be asked.

You’d help them in similar circumstances wouldn’t you? Yes?

Then ask. 


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Thanks for reading. As always feel free to write a comment in the space below. There are a few ways you can comment - if you choose anonymous, it is always appreciated when you put your name next to what you say.

18 comments:

  1. what a great reminder that we are surrounded by people that are willing to help...and so often they are just waiting to be asked. i can think of 4 people already that will be there when our son may need them.

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    1. Thanks Angella. You have done what I hoped this blog post would do... let's gear ourselves up and organise mentoring for our kids ahead of time... just in case and... when there is no crisis.Thanks for your comment. Of course, I reckon you would reciprocate gladly if those four people needed you some time? Cheers, Bill.

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  2. OMG it was like reading our own story over the past 18 months and I actually felt quite anxious recalling our desperation, frustration and concern. Whilst I thought my cool brother may have been the answer he wasn't the right person for my son. Surprisingly (as my son had been so oppositional at school) we found the right support in a young and cool male teacher at his school enhanced by a strong network of a couple of senior leaders. Thank goodness we found someone he connected with, who understood him and was prepared to be in his corner which has allowed us to continue to love him to bits and compromise and negotiate our way through the mine field which doesn't seem to have as many explosions anymore!!!

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  3. Thanks 'anon'. You know the person in the tribe you can trust. I think you are showing that same thing I felt... Using words like, anxious, desperation, frustration, concern... It is when we hit that that something in us sparks to reach out for help... So pleased you found a good. Connection for your son and grateful you shared your thoughts.

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  4. Hi Bill, Thankyou for this lovely open article. I had a similar incident occur recently, in that my daughter has been having some very challenging issues with her dad at the beginning of Year 12 - a time when she needs little stress. Unfortunately, we are divorced and communication is challenging. I had to look for some support from my friends to see is I was seeing her situation clearly, and also put in place support at school. I was struggling to think of where to go for extra support for my daughter, as I did not want to "pathologise the situation", - in walks a wonderful friend of hers who is a couple of years older, and has been away overseas. A short conversation with her told me that this was the support my daughter needed - a friend. Sometimes we can look in the wrong places, when the right person might be just under our nose.

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  5. Great Bill! Whilst not around parenting issues, I feel like I've suffered from not being asked for help by my siblings. I have a Masters degree in Architecture and none of my brothers or sister have asked for even a comment about the houses they were designing. I think your message runs both ways. It's a gift to ask and it's a gift to be asked.

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    1. Great insights Geoff. Thanks for offering that angle. You help a lot of people with your Ideas Architecture. and being a a kind human being. Cheers mate, Bill.

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  6. Great wisdom 'single parent world'... the right person might be just under our nose. Appreciate you offering a perspective from a place where you might feel often you are doing things on your own. I remember a single mum at the end of a presentation I did at her child's school last year, sitting almost dumbfounded by the obviousness of 'Leaning on Your Tribe'... she had three or four family members friends she had as an 'action' from that event. I really appreciate you sharing your story. Cheers, Bill.

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  7. what is the saying it takes a tribe to raise a child! Of course it does, as parents we are not cool, so try and find someone your child will connect with to steer them through all challenges of adolescence! I too, last year had a year 12 who had to learn to balance studying, training, homework and socializing! who did I have in his corner his Taek wondo Coach who would talk to him when i couldn't get through to him! We passed that hurdle thank god now its Uni life, new challenges and bigger problems, one day at a time is my way of getting through it!!

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    1. Thanks Anon... yep coaches, good coaches are natural mentors and if our kids respect them... they become such a help and a part pf our kids' extended tribe.

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  8. Hi Bill, I have 4 Adult Sons that all have different issues that over time I have tried to work through with them. One of them is the Father of our 8 year old Grandson who at times is not the best role model for his Son. Not sure who would be the best member of our Tribe to have a chat to him? Maybe we need to look outside of our Family tribe too include direct relative's? If "Families are Forever" does that also include Cousins?

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    1. Cousins count for sure Rod. reads like you were working out an answer to your dilemma in your response there. Thanks for writing and sharing that challenge.

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  9. Oh so true Bill, pure gold! I had a very similar request recently from the other side of the world from my older brother to "have a chat" with his eldest son, my god child! Very close to the bone indeed!! Cheers, Wally

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    1. Thanks Wally. Our capacity to connect with family near and far is extraordinary. Some of us truly do have global tribes! No doubt you have/will be a great support. I have been thinking too that your brother's son will (or even maybe now) might appreciate the thought of his dad to reach out to you. I have been wondering how Jack might think, in the future, about his Uncle Greg being asked to help him and us. It is great that your brother affirmed you as someone who could help too. There is some much upside to this I reckon.

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  10. I don't know what I would have done without my tribe. When my 12 year old is steadfastly refusing to even look at his homework. I put him in the car and head to his Auntie's. She mentors him while I take her 18 year old girls out for a coffee and a debrief on their life (Often sorting the problems of the universe with the exact advice they've been ignoring from their mother all week.) When we return it is invariably to a happy smiling child, homework all done and understood and often a hug for me to boot

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    1. Anon - what a brilliant piece of reciprocal mentoring! Thanks for sharing this story... it works and the shared effort is so smart.

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  11. good post, Bill. I remember you mentioning this when we caught up for a coffee and interview recently. I think there's someone in my tribe who might be a good influence on Hugo, and take some of my strain away.

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    1. Cheers Paul. Glad you could think of someone. And you hit on another layer - we reach out to our tribe, they take some of our 'strain' away... our kids have got to end up benefiting from encountering their parent as less strained don't ya reckon? And whatever the outcome... the reaching out is an important thing to do. It is a common phrase but I reckon there's some truth in it - a problem shared is a problem halved. Thanks for sharing this.

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